Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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