My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I cut my penus on the lid.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
