How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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