if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
