the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
