well I can't set my house on fire every night
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
