he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
