made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
