Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
