Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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