Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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