What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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