Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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