My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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