dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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