you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
