"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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