Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
