she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
