Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
