I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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