its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
