eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
