I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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