just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
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