Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
