we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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