Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
