his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
