I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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