I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
