haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
