I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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