last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize