we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
