you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
