An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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