when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
