Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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