Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
