i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
