Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
