We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
