I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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