i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
