I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
