I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I think my moral compass just broke
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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