Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize