I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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