did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
we're making bets on your personal life
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
