how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
