My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize