the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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