Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
