Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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