while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
