so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
