i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize