I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
