i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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