Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
