I'm lost and stupid without you.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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